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[Rio Ohki]

Scott Learns to Skateboard: 6

As submitted to the Human Resources department of my work.

‘To whom it may concern,

I have been an employee of (censored) for almost a year now. I have passed my probation period after an initial three month extension, and have since achieved both a high standard of call quality as monitored through call observation, as well as increasingly, even intimidatingly low call handling times that put other more experienced employees to a suicidal degree of shame. It is with the knowledge that I am now a pain in the arse to dismiss, that I wrote this letter.

The low call handling times that I have achieved afford me a degree of freedom whilst on the call floor, and I have decided that the description of the ‘Work/Life Balance’ as detailed on your internal website, is little more than a mask for your draconian policies in regards to time away from taking phone calls.

While I do not begrudge your policies, I do begrudge the way in which you claim this is ‘balance’. It’s not, it’s bloody lop-sided is what it is. If it had legs, it would walk with a limp. It might even have crutches as one of its legs would probably have been blown off beneath the knee in a horrible accident, which it then did not get time away from the phones for.

This, as I have stated, is not balance. I do not feel that I am empowered by your policy. It does not place me in charge of my own development, nor does it allow for the opportunity to let the fragile butterfly within my soul, soar up and catch the wind on it’s thin and beautiful wings, and flash the most vibrant of colours as the Sun shines through them, before defecating on the heads of the people below.

For example, I have recently started Skateboarding, a hobby that I enjoy and feel passionately about. However, your bow-legged, limpy approach to the ‘Work/Life balance’ has made it very difficult for me to progress in this endeavour.

I do understand the position of the employer however, as well as their desire not to play ‘Daddy’ to their many thousand or so employees. To this end, I have shown what I feel is a great deal of initiative, and researched ways in which I can perhaps aid you, the employer, in bringing about the option for a true ‘Work/Life Balance’ that will work to the benefit of both the employer and the employee.

In order to better myself and attain my own set goals, I have been:

Practicing ollies under my desk.
Taking calls whilst standing on my board.
Taking calls whilst balancing on two wheels (front or back, both need the practice).
Practicing 180 and 360 degree kick-turns in between taking calls.

These behaviours have helped my performance in the area of skateboarding considerably, however, I am working with limited resources. The addition of perhaps a Half-Pipe to the building, perhaps in place of the lovely garden you built especially for the smokers.

Yours sincerely,

Scott Tumilty.’


After drafting and sending this, I had a cheeky wee skate in Kelvingrove park on my lunch. My ACTUAL physical balance feels like it’s getting better, and that I’m gaining a much more detailed understanding of it. This has not translated into me looking like any less of a tube.

Happy Skating

Scott.