Being an attachment parent

The first few months with a new baby around the house are exhausting, moreso when you have other children who are still young themselves and who need cared for. With this in mind, an American children's doctor called Dr Sears wrote about a concept he described as attachment parenting and his theory has attracted a lot of parents keen to enforce the bond with their baby.

The basic thinking of attachment parenting is to develop a close bond between parents and child by avoiding separation. Additionally, breastfeeding, co-sleeping and baby-wearing are promoted to encourage closeness. For Bob and I, we ascribed to this when Nairn was born, not because we had an overwhelming desire to follow a brand of parenting, but because the primary concepts fitted easily into our lifestyle. I find it very difficult to wake up during the night, and so co-sleeping and breastfeeding made things much easier: and as any parent will tell you, you can cope with most things if you've had your sleep!

The baby-wearing has been something that we've had a lot of pleasure from. We invested in a baby carrier that essentially ties the baby onto your chest. As well as settling the baby quickly it's a far more convenient means of transport than putting up a buggy.

This photo was taken last year and shows me carrying Nairn in the Moby:

It's proven extremely beneficial for us with Erica too. As she was born early she had very little body fat, and has been a fussy baby wanting held and cuddled all the time. With your first baby that's fine, but when you have other children needing fed, played with, bathed and helped with homework it's not practical to sit cradling a baby all of the time. The baby-wearing principle has meant that we've had a settled baby and two free hands to do whatever needs done.

What worries me with attachment parenting is that it's very closely linked with many spin-off concepts which can make it seem like all attachment parents are nutbars. One such concept is Elimination Communication which has parents training their children from birth not to use nappies, but to eliminate waste on cue — should prove interesting in later life, like some kind of hypnosis effect!

For us, attachment parenting has worked very well and it feels instinctual, rather than following someone else's ideas, and has helped immensely with the transition of a new baby (or two!). If you see Bob or I stoating about wrapped in a length of material you'll now understand why!

[Westy]

It sounds good enough, but to be honest, what you described was what I had in mind of being a father. I mean I have a kid that i've never met, he'll be around a year now, which is quite scary considering i've never met him once. But is it not really tiring and demanding?

But don't you need a break from the kid? Cause wearing him/her around your body for long periods of time must take its toll. I mean if you say no, I salute you because humffing a wean around all day long takes a lot of effort.

[Hevs]

Hmmm - not sure about this one. It's a good idea in theory although I am not sold on the idea of co-sleeping as my friend did this with her youngest, not because she was following this practice but purely for practicality as he was a difficult breast fed baby who wanted fed every other hour - he's 5 now and she still can't get him to sleep in his own bed. Plus, I would be concerned about the safety aspect of co-sleeping. I would also be concerned that this style of parenting could produce an extremely clingy toddler.

By the way , he looks so cool in those shades

[Hammer]

I think that seperating child and parent early is a good thing - it prepares both parties for later life.

However, I am a soulless bastard.

[SoYeahThisIsMe]

stiop having babiues vonnie !

[Rhythm Junkie]

Originally Posted by Hammer

I think that seperating child and parent early is a good thing - it prepares both parties for later life.

I agree with this. Not to the detriment of the parent-child bond but I think it's healthy for children to get used to short periods of time with people other than parents.

Im afraid the only thing I know about attached parenting is from a documentary about it on TV about a year ago. Parents were allowing their children to 'go toilet' pretty much anywhere they wanted. It stuck in my head as parents at an 'attachment parent picnic' were letting their kids sit all over the grass and I thought "i'd get fined if I let my dog do that".

[endless psych]

Are these things not suppossed to work so the child faces the mothers chest?

[Bobzilla]

Originally Posted by endless psych

Are these things not suppossed to work so the child faces the mothers chest?

You can strap them up any number of ways. Can even turn it into a back carrier if you want. When they get to Nairn's size in the picture it's really awkward for both them and you if they are facing you as you end up being headbutted and kneed and kicked all the time. You can still do it though.

Originally Posted by Morrigan

Hmmm - not sure about this one. It's a good idea in theory although I am not sold on the idea of co-sleeping as my friend did this with her youngest, not because she was following this practice but purely for practicality as he was a difficult breast fed baby who wanted fed every other hour - he's 5 now and she still can't get him to sleep in his own bed. Plus, I would be concerned about the safety aspect of co-sleeping. I would also be concerned that this style of parenting could produce an extremely clingy toddler.

Eventually Nairn moved into his cot was was fine with it. Once their asleep through the night they don't seem that bothered by it to be honest. If you've ever met Nairn you'l know hes anything but clingy!

Originally Posted by Westy

But don't you need a break from the kid? Cause wearing him/her around your body for long periods of time must take its toll. I mean if you say no, I salute you because humffing a wean around all day long takes a lot of effort.

If its on right its fine. The fabric spreads the weight all over your shoulders/arms and back but if you wear it like a rucksack with the fabric all bunched up like straps its a fucker on your back. I think the most ive managed with Erica so far with Erica without a break is 4 hours but that was just so she could get a feed from Vonnie. Nairn was a bit bigger when we used the moby wrap though so it was far less time.

[stripey_kitten]

I find the concept of attachment parenting and the theories behind it interesting. Different things work for different people though and what gets me is when people become militant about it and demand that this is the way to bring up children and if you do it another way you're obviously doing something wrong (and you know fine well I don't mean you Vonnie). However the militant are few and far between and do give the whole parenting style a bad name.

I've spent a lot of time with Vonnie, Bob and the kids and attachment parenting really works for them as a family. I totally couldn't do this though. It wouldn't fit in with my lifestyle at all. Both of my kids have been in nursery from an early age, weren't breast fed and have never slept in bed with me. As far as I'm concerned, my kids are as happy and healthy as Vonnie's which proves the point I'm trying to make, that the most important thing is to choose what is best for you and your family and not to feel pressured into subscribing to something you don't fully believe in.

[Eve Bulloch]

I can totally see why this method can work really well when you have young children and I can totally understant how it can benefit you two.

However, because it involves carrying the babies around a lot and them sleeping in your bed, would it not make them a bit too dependant in a sense? What happens when the time comes for them to be in their own bed and such like, will it not make it harder for both of you later on?

Ooh! I'm really chuffed to see so many replies

Originally Posted by stripey_kitten

I find the concept of attachment parenting and the theories behind it interesting. Different things work for different people though and what gets me is when people become militant about it and demand that this is the way to bring up children and if you do it another way you're obviously doing something wrong (and you know fine well I don't mean you Vonnie). However the militant are few and far between and do give the whole parenting style a bad name.

I've spent a lot of time with Vonnie, Bob and the kids and attachment parenting really works for them as a family. I totally couldn't do this though. It wouldn't fit in with my lifestyle at all. Both of my kids have been in nursery from an early age, weren't breast fed and have never slept in bed with me. As far as I'm concerned, my kids are as happy and healthy as Vonnie's which proves the point I'm trying to make, that the most important thing is to choose what is best for you and your family and not to feel pressured into subscribing to something you don't fully believe in.

I think you get more out of ideas like this by picking and choosing the parts that work for you, but like you mentioned it's the ones who are all 'this is the way you must parent' that make it unattractive. Both our babies were extremely fussy and so AP was the easy solution really.

Originally Posted by Westy

It sounds good enough, but to be honest, what you described was what I had in mind of being a father. I mean I have a kid that i've never met, he'll be around a year now, which is quite scary considering i've never met him once. But is it not really tiring and demanding?

But don't you need a break from the kid? Cause wearing him/her around your body for long periods of time must take its toll. I mean if you say no, I salute you because humffing a wean around all day long takes a lot of effort.

It's been said that the basic ideas of AP are based on the instinctual method of parenting so that would make sense. Being a parent is completely tiring and demanding - my kids are happy but my house is a riot!

Nairn doesn't get carried in the moby now, he's too big and has a strong independant streak but carrying Erica isn't too bad because she's still very small. Bob can carry her for longer than I can manage because my pelvis is still shot to pieces from the pregnancy.

Originally Posted by Hammer

I think that seperating child and parent early is a good thing - it prepares both parties for later life.

However, I am a soulless bastard.

There's many that agree with you - Nairn went to nursery for a day a week while I was at uni and loved it but other than that the longest he's ever been away from me was while I was in hospital and he really is a very well adjusted wee boy.

Originally Posted by Rhythm Junkie

I agree with this. Not to the detriment of the parent-child bond but I think it's healthy for children to get used to short periods of time with people other than parents.

Im afraid the only thing I know about attached parenting is from a documentary about it on TV about a year ago. Parents were allowing their children to 'go toilet' pretty much anywhere they wanted. It stuck in my head as parents at an 'attachment parent picnic' were letting their kids sit all over the grass and I thought "i'd get fined if I let my dog do that".

There's a thread on that here somewhere, I remember saying at the time that the militant ones would give the basic idea a bad name, especially the woman who went round the baby shop saying anyone that used baby seats was neglecting their child.

Originally Posted by Eve Bulloch

I can totally see why this method can work really well when you have young children and I can totally understant how it can benefit you two.

However, because it involves carrying the babies around a lot and them sleeping in your bed, would it not make them a bit too dependant in a sense? What happens when the time comes for them to be in their own bed and such like, will it not make it harder for both of you later on?

Nairn point blank refuses to sleep anywhere bar his own bed. Findlay co-slept with me until he was three and a half and although he'd happily sleep in with me he also goes to his own bed and both my boys are very independant. I have no idea how Erica will be, with the boys I could occasionally get them to sleep in a moses basket when they were this age whereas with Erica that's a rarity but if she needs that comfort then she'll get it.

[Jody]

I think I would be in too much of a panic incase I squished the baby whilst sleeping.

Originally Posted by Jody

I think I would be in too much of a panic incase I squished the baby whilst sleeping.

You're very aware of the baby being there though - I sleep like the dead but as soon as she sniffs the wrong way I'm awake and alert. It's very much a personal choice though and I can understand that fear.