Column: Ugly F**kers

We see them all the time, mostly as faceless annoyances on our streets and public transport systems. Mostly thinking nothing of it, until the glorious day falls, about mid-May, the very beginning of the summer…the man on the building site down the street, the besoveriegned white van driver, the unemployed guy next door with the Old Firm tattoos. They take their shirts off. You catch their eyes, they spot the deep flush rising from your neck, and ‘Alright dawl?’; You’ve been caught ned-admiring.

And why shouldn’t you? You’re an intelligent woman, in touch with your own sexuality. It’s only natural you should be attracted to these ruddy-skinned Neanderthals, you tell yourself. Their tanned torsos, coloured from outdoor labour or just plain dossing in the park, their lack of pretension towards all that faggy emo bullshit, the smell of booze and cigarettes rippling against your delicately perfumed skin, their undisguisable erections poking through thin layers of man-made shellsuit glory.


So where is the shame? It’s a commonly explored sexual fantasy in the gay community, and everyone knows our ‘mo brothers have got the gratification thing down more than us embarrassed straight ladies. Many gay magazines are devoted to ned or ‘scally’ fantasies, and one of the largest gay networking sites in the UK is built around ‘scally’ tastes. It’s time to throw away the restrictive coils of sexual inhibition, embrace our most wanton carnal desires, and cry ‘Wallop me! Wallop me, ned man next door! I can’t get enough of your steel toe-capped boots, your awesome shirtless chest and that little pubey stairway to heaven! I want to suck on your medallions as you pound me from above, regardless of your four hundred weans! Chew on your Benson and Hedges as you pummel me into the close wall!

Do it, do it soon, meet that workman’s eye and try to hold off the blush. Intimate the desire to know of deep and meaningless workie-fucks. You never know, you might love yourself for it.

NED CHAT- a brief phrase-guide, for the uninitiated.

Gies a gobble- I’d enjoy some oral sex, if that’s not too much effort, thanks.
You’re a heavy rocket, mawn. – What wacky fun we’re having.
Yon’s the gemme- I’m having a nice time.
Gies the neck oot yer boatel- I may be interested in making love to you.
Want a winch?- Let’s kiss, with tongues.

[McLeary]

Ho-ho, those idle proles are certainly worth a good chortle, aren't they?

[Bunnylingus]

HAHAHAHA.

Youre clearly mental but.

[The Continental]

I've just read that three times and I still have no idea what's being/why it had to be said.

[Densu]

I would bang up some ned birds no bother.

[Dario]

So STDs really are all the rage these days...

[MarkMono]

Always use condoms when you're in a line-up wi' a dirty wee senga.

[Noizy Rab]

Originally Posted by Densu

I would bang up some ned birds no bother.

me too

with this:

[Foxglove]

I thought this was funny, but I am also unsure as to whether there was supposed to be a point to the article. I took it that it was just supposed to be funny rather than meaningful. Am I missing something?

[Exit_W0unds]

Ugly working class blokes are the preferred ride of the middle class/wannabe middle class burd?
It was a fun read.

[Jesus On A Bike]

Wow, I did NOT see that one coming

[hammertime]

This read like a column from Sex & The City.

Sans the silly question at the end.

"So we ask ourselves: Are scally idle cunts at the core of our deepest desires?"