despair

Crushed.

Another day i sit alone and yearn for love, another minute scrapes by expanding the duration of this chasm of darkness i find myself in. Where is the light i need to guide me from this hole, a hand to hold... even a kind face upon which to look.

I dont even know if i have a heart inside this body anymore. It has been so long since i have felt the slightest pulse of emotion from its broken flesh. Where does salvation lie, how long will this desperation last... i can only assume the answer lies with myself. I cant tell a soul though, i am too strong... too proud. Maybe i must let go of those values in order let in some light.

Nothing has been easy these past few weeks, when twinky my hamster passed on to the place beyond, it tore me apart. I still suffer the burden of his loss to this very day and the pain grows no weaker. Then just one day after twinky's loss i pissed down my trouser leg by accident in the toilets of a bar, everyone laughed. i was mortified. i also smelt of urine and it would not go away. This chain of missfortune has been continuing for weeks... last week i poured milk on my Lucky Charms and as i wolfed in it dawned on me the milk was rotten, i was very nearly sick everywhere. a little bit came out my nose. On the same day i stubbed my toe...twice. i cried myself to sleep. Three days ago as i walked in the park, admiring the beauty of the world and trying to tell myself that these things arent so bad in the scheme of things, i stepped in a dog poop, i was wearing my chunky boots and it got in every nook and cranny of the soles. I spent 3 hours picking it out with a small twig. Then i return home to discover that the stupid fucking postman put my latest copy of White Dwarf AND my new edition of Emo-Dreamz through the wrong letter box and my dog had chewed them into mush. I cried again that night. In work yesterday i spoke to this girl, she told me where the water dispenser was... then she just walked away, as if she didnt even notice the spark that was so apparent and the moment we had shared, again my heart was broken to a thousand pieces. I wrote a song last night about it, i think im going to call it How Could You Do That To Me. the words are a little smudged from teardrops on the paper, but its a great song i think. My only problem is i dont have any friends to form a band with and my acoustic sound doesnt really reflect the raw emotion and hurt that this song needs to potray.

So there it is, that is the story of how i find myself in this world of blackness... nothing ever goes right for me. however i will struggle on day by day and one day my heart will thaw and begin to beat again. at least i have a tattered shred of hope to clutch....


Maurice.