it has me crawling out my skin and not getting dressed...what's a girl to do?

Listening to : Air - Highschool Lover

i don't know whether i'm going to blog on here regularly or go back to my myspace blog. i know there are many subscribers there who are chapping at the bit for something to read, as i've not written for ages. i don't know. for now, i'll stick to here.



my ears. my mind. my heart can't deal with vocal words just now. be it a song or a person. they're far too sharp and far too real. i'll linger in this limbo as long as i can. i see glimpses of the truth, how things really are and it frightens me so much. i subconciously block it out, not even realising i'm doing it which is something i used to do as a child as an attempt to deal with my depression. stuff it down and sit on iit til next time. the divide i've been feeling lately is that of which i've felt before, not that long ago either. one of finding it greatly difficult to distinguish between what is real and what is happening at an exact moment in time and what has and what has not happened....also the strange de ja vu of having been somewhere, recogninsing a place, face, situation, sentance but not being able to exactly fix a date and time and name to the experience. did it happen in a dream, or has it really happened but the chemicals in my brain are tied in knots?

i feel like the things i do are empty. i'm positive it's the medication that's numbing me.i feel incredibly disconnected from things. a recurring thought i've been having is that i am sick of my life being like this. it's not even a life, it's an existance and i feel like i'm losing grip of even that.



i seem to have this constant feeling of dread lately, each day seems to drag and is just a struggle to keep my head above the water which seems to be rising and rather quick pace.

what i want to know is;

what am i going to do when i slip under the water because it is simply too deep? what will i do when dry land and all the oppertunities it holds are completely unattainble?

what is there for me then, what will happen?