Why not for me

New Year. Time to think about the past year and decide if next year needs to be better. I dont want things to move on because I know that the longer it goes the harder it will be. Although I know that the things you put me through were nothing short of horrendous I thought we were getting somewhere, I thought you had changed. I could see the person that I fell in love with in there somewhere and that night you stayed at my house after we met you in Airdrie on a night out - you said you wanted to make sure I got home safe, you came in for a drink, you stayed the night. Nothing happened, Im wary of you still but in the morning when we talked and you reached over and kissed my forehead it felt safe. I felt safe. I thought there was maybe something there worth building on again for all our sakes. I actually for the first time in 4 years entertained the thought of us again. And I stupidly let it in. I felt it. Then you went and met someone else and that was that. You moved her here over 250 miles to be with her so I know that you are serious. I know you dont give your heart easily and I know this means something to you. I dont know what this means for me. I have someone and I love him but at the same time I cant get you out of my head. Is it because I cant have you now, is it because after all this time you finally found someone. You spent years telling me that you wanted your family back when all I wanted to hear was that you had changed and would make the effort for us but every time you got close you turned back into that bullying monster and back up went my defences. Im not heartbroken but I have this uneasy feeling that I missed some kind of opportunity to fix things - to try once more but I was scared that if I gave into you nothing would have changed and I would be miserable for the rest of my life and too old to start over with someone new. I have everything I could possibly want in Kevin - hes kind, loving, and he adores me and I feel totally disloyal even thinking this but I keep imagining what it would be like to have you here, changed, the man I fell in love with, funny, protective, you did love me and I thought I didnt love you anymore - I dont love you anymore, I cant say that I do cause if I did i would be a hysterical wreck at the thought of you marrying someone else and Im not. I just dont understand why she gets the part of you that I couldnt have, why does she the man I fell in love with. When I really think about it you were no good for me at all. The physical abuse, mental torture, it took me years to get past that and find myself again. Why would I even risk going through that again for anything. I guess its just wishful thinking and if you treat her the same way you treated me then I will know Im right and Im sure I will stop feeling like this when I get used to it - but for now I just feel a little sad