Update

Sometimes I am not sure why I bother waking up in the morning, nothing good
ever comes from it. I wake up, and then spend the rest of my day trying to
figure out what I do. All I ever feel like doin is breakin down and falling
into a pit that never ends. Would feel good just to be caught up in the
darkness of a pit, no one seein, no one judging. I barely have the energy to
get out of my bed and get dressed, what chance do I have of being able to do
anything worthwhile. My life seems to be a meaningless journey heading
nowhere. Being alive makes no real sense.

I need to find a way, a way to get out of this pointless existence that I
seem to be trapped in. Though I am not sure how to find the way out, I am
not even sure that there is a way out. It feels as if I am just constantly
going round in circles, spinning around fast and losing my bearings. You
know the way that you just feel sick after going on the carnival rides that
spin round at high speeds? Thats the way I feel most of the time, I forget
what it feels like to be alive or well.

I\'ve got to the stage where I just don\'t understand anything anymore. I
don\'t understand the way life is, the way people are or even the way I am. I
find it difficult to talk to those around me, even the ones I feel close to.
It doesn\'t matter who it is, I just feel as if I am alone. As if there is no
one around that I can talk to about things. It\'s almost as if the is a big
steel door preventing me from getting comfortable enough with anyone to
really speak to them. It\'s not only with important things that I feel like
this, but with everything. I can barely hold a decent conversation with my
friends, I just feel uneasy being around people. It\'s not good. Maybe I
should just avoid people from now on.

I feel like I am losing grip of myself. All I ever want to do is breakdown
into a heap and lay there crying. I know it\'s not the best thing to do, but
it\'s all I seem to want to do. I haven\'t done this yet, would feel stoopid
if I did. Though I just can\'t get the idea out my head. I really am one big
idiot. I will be sitting there fine, then the next moment I can feel all
this sadness falling like a lump into my chest and the pit of stomach. At
the same time I can feel my eyes welling up as if I am about to burst into
tears. I can\'t seem to control this or stop it from happening. Even sleeping
doesn\'t seem to be working. On a few occasions, I have woken up in the
middle of the night. This wouldn\'t be so bad if I didn\'t keep getting the
feeling that I was trapped. I wake up and I lay there, unable to move about.
The only thing I seem to be able to move is my head, my body seems frozen
and I am unable to make a noise. The few times that this has happened, it
has lasted for about 15 mins each time, it is a very scary feeling. The last
time it happened, I felt as if there was someone else in the room watching
and laughing at me. Almost as if they had done this to me and were just
waiting for me to die. I know it sounds like a load of crap, as if it is
some stoopid dream. I really wish it was. It was a horrible feeling, one
that I do not wish to have again.