I put the Stu in stupid...

I wrote that in this very journal several months ago. I think it\'s quite true to say, for all my huffing and puffing and angst-ridden nonsense, that the person in the world I have a biggest problem with is myself. It\'s not so strange to me that I wrote that months ago, yet didn\'t bother doing what it says. Idiot that I am. See, over the past few days I\'ve had the notion to read all the old entries in this journal... every entry since day 1 (which you can\'t do, dear reader, because I made the first half of it private because people used to annoy me about it). It\'s been interesting reading. Some of it is laugh-out-loud funny, especially some the comments people have left. Some of it brings back happy memories. Some of it makes me cringe. Some of it makes me sad, or reminds me of bad times I don\'t want to remember. Most of all though, many of my entries just remind me of how fucking stupid I am.

Seriously... what the hell was I thinking? Example. Why the fuck did I think wasting money on an imported GBA SP was so important? Sure, it was shiny and cool and great at the time, but what a fuckin\' waste. There were, and are, far more important things I should have been spending my time and money on. To make it worse, I had completely forgotten I had the stupid thing, until Meech asked to borrow it for his trip to Newcastle last week. That\'s just an example, one of many things I\'ve done this year that\'s left me worrying about things I could have dealt with back then. Another example. Janette has been away camping (again) for the last week, with her son Andrew, her parents, and her brother. I should be there. Janette and I had planned for me to go camping together this summer for months before summer. Fuck, we were talking about it not long after we first got together. So why the fuck am I not there? Simple. I got it in my head that building a new PC (that I don\'t even need!) was somehow more important. What the fuck is wrong with me? Yeah, sitting on the internet at 4am reading about a stupid videocard that will be out-of-date in 6 months anyway is far more important than spending time with my family-to-be. Way to go, Stu. Keep it up, you\'ll be a fucking brain surgeon in no time.
This is a line Arnie says in Terminator 3... in one of the \'funny\' scenes (the \'basic psychology\' one) at that. It\'s actually quite true, though. Well, for lack of anyone to blame all my problems on but myself... it\'s myself I\'ll be angry at. For some reason I\'ll maybe never understand, Janette isn\'t particularly good at getting angry with me, no matter how stupid I am. Sure, she\'s been known to get mad at me for doing stupid things, but for some inexplicable reason she always forgives me, or at least stops showing that she\'s mad at me. Maybe she knows me well enough to know no badly I fuck up, I\'ll pull through sooner or later (usually later, knowing me). Maybe she has that faith in me. So maybe it\'s time I got mad at me. I\'m not about to let her down again. I\'m thankful for the fact I can fix everything, if I work at it. It\'s not too late. Let\'s try being angry at what I\'ve done for a change, and I\'ll see if it gets me anywhere.
Janette wrote this a couple of months ago, on this \'self improvement\' chart thing she drew up for me. I found it yesterday when I was looking for scissors or something. It made me smile, and got me all emotional in a good kind of way. It also made me realise how angry I should be at myself. It makes me realise just how selfish my self-pity is. Hell... people say nice things about me all the time, but there\'s something about me that chooses not to hear it. People also say nasty things, for some reason I tend to prefer focussing on that. Which in turn brings me full circle...

It\'s time to stand up to myself.