The diary of an idiot.

[Rio Ohki]

Scott Learns to Skateboard: 6

As submitted to the Human Resources department of my work.

‘To whom it may concern,

I have been an employee of (censored) for almost a year now. I have passed my probation period after an initial three month extension, and have since achieved both a high standard of call quality as monitored through call observation, as well as increasingly, even intimidatingly low call handling times that put other more experienced employees to a suicidal degree of shame. It is with the knowledge that I am now a pain in the arse to dismiss, that I wrote this letter.

The low call handling times that I have achieved afford me a degree of freedom whilst on the call floor, and I have decided that the description of the ‘Work/Life Balance’ as detailed on your internal website, is little more than a mask for your draconian policies in regards to time away from taking phone calls.

While I do not begrudge your policies, I do begrudge the way in which you claim this is ‘balance’. It’s not, it’s bloody lop-sided is what it is. If it had legs, it would walk with a limp. It might even have crutches as one of its legs would probably have been blown off beneath the knee in a horrible accident, which it then did not get time away from the phones for.

This, as I have stated, is not balance. I do not feel that I am empowered by your policy. It does not place me in charge of my own development, nor does it allow for the opportunity to let the fragile butterfly within my soul, soar up and catch the wind on it’s thin and beautiful wings, and flash the most vibrant of colours as the Sun shines through them, before defecating on the heads of the people below.

For example, I have recently started Skateboarding, a hobby that I enjoy and feel passionately about. However, your bow-legged, limpy approach to the ‘Work/Life balance’ has made it very difficult for me to progress in this endeavour.

I do understand the position of the employer however, as well as their desire not to play ‘Daddy’ to their many thousand or so employees. To this end, I have shown what I feel is a great deal of initiative, and researched ways in which I can perhaps aid you, the employer, in bringing about the option for a true ‘Work/Life Balance’ that will work to the benefit of both the employer and the employee.

In order to better myself and attain my own set goals, I have been:

Practicing ollies under my desk.
Taking calls whilst standing on my board.
Taking calls whilst balancing on two wheels (front or back, both need the practice).
Practicing 180 and 360 degree kick-turns in between taking calls.

These behaviours have helped my performance in the area of skateboarding considerably, however, I am working with limited resources. The addition of perhaps a Half-Pipe to the building, perhaps in place of the lovely garden you built especially for the smokers.

Yours sincerely,

Scott Tumilty.’


After drafting and sending this, I had a cheeky wee skate in Kelvingrove park on my lunch. My ACTUAL physical balance feels like it’s getting better, and that I’m gaining a much more detailed understanding of it. This has not translated into me looking like any less of a tube.

Happy Skating

Scott.

[Jenpot]

You should send that. Me and a guy in my team have been talking about the various ways they could've better spent the money than the smokers garden. First choice would be a ballpit, second would be a big bouncy castle with those sticks that Gladiators use (to relieve stress) and I reckon a halfpipe would be a great third choice. Although..you can't skate on a bouncy castle. You could skate INTO a ball pit though?

[Rio Ohki]

How about a giant sprial slide that I could carve down, that shoots into a ballpool?

You working this fine sunny bank holiday?

[Jenpot]

That's an even better idea.

Nope, I got it off to pack and stuff myself with pringles. You in all day?

[Rio Ohki]

Up till 7 yeah, my choice, the extra money will come in handy for download.

I'll start drawing up plans.

[Jenpot]

Excellent. Send me a wee email of them at work, surname's Matthews.

That's my plan for tommorow now between calls. Me, MS paint and plans for a ballpit and a slide to be sent to head office.

[Rio Ohki]

Deal

[Tacky]

You actually sent that to your HR department?

Yeh, i think you entertained them for the day!

[Rio Ohki]

Scott Learns to Skateboard 7: Scott is Stupid.

It is said that only two things in life are certain, Death, and Taxes. I tend to disagree with the latter, as it is more than possible to dodge taxes for an indeterminate amount of time. Also, it is possible to negate certain taxes through lifestyle choice, such as car tax.

With that in mind, I would seek to replace ‘Taxes’ with ‘Stupidity’, as I fully believe it is impossible to go through life without making, or coming across, stupid acts or behaviours. It would, however, be naïve to assume that all stupidity is the same, that it can be lumped into one category. It would also be naïve to assume that all stupid acts are in fact, mistakes.

To give an example, this time last year, after a fight with my then girlfriend, I went out to my then student union, and got more than a little drunk. Hours later, on the way home, I decided that it would be a fantastic idea to climb up the Glasgow University Round Reading Room. As expected, I promptly fell off, and landed myself with soft tissue damage in both feet.

Soft tissue damage is painful. Soft tissue damage on the part of your body that supports most of your weight is incredibly painful. Having skint elbows when you wake up, hung-over, try to get up, realise you can’t support your own weight, and fall over, is painful, but compared to soft tissue damage, does not exist.

This would be an example of a stupid mistake. Other types of stupidity include the common ‘wilful ignorance’ that afflicts the majority of the consumer populace, by which proximity to a customer service agent reduces the average intellect and emotional maturity of any given adult, to that of a 5 year old with a Ritalin deficiency.

There are, thankfully, examples of stupidity that can be described as an ‘overabundance of imagination.’ The kind of stupidity that provokes someone to take risks for no great reward, save for the experience, and perhaps the attention. Such an example makes the bulk of this Skateboarding entry. (Yes, this does feature skateboarding at some point).

One fine Tuesday, I decided to go out, and that in the absence of a car (R.I.P), I would skateboard to the Queen Margret Union. This part of the story contains no stupidity, just the feat of making it from St George’s Cross to the steps of the QMU within ten minutes, including the big hill on University Avenue.

The stupidity comes approximately 2 to 3 hours later. Emerging from the QMU, slightly worse for wear, I declared my intention to go to the skate park in Kelvingrove Park, at what can only be described as ‘Rape o’clock’. For those who do not know, Kelvingrove Park has a reputation for playing host to a number for sexual assaults directed at those foolhardy enough to venture through its gates in the twilight hours. Thankfully, five other idiots also thought this was a good idea, and so off we went.

This is where we define the difference between stupid mistake, and the awesome kind of stupid. One word: consequences. When I fell off that building, I couldn’t walk. When I went to the Skate park at rape o’clock whilst pissed, I skated as well as usual, and got a good hour’s worth of practice with the whole park to myself. In this case, my overabundance of imagination, and blind luck afforded me opportunities not normally available.

Sometimes, a little stupidity goes a long way.

Happy Skating.
Scott.

[Tacky]

Like when i was living in Bridgeton, and had to get out of the house, and went for a walk in winter, at midnight, in Glasgow Green, on my own, in the very, very dark.

It was so peaceful and chilled out, looking round at everything thing on the green. Then again, it was incredibly stupid to walk through Glasgow green, on my own, at that time of night!

[Rio Ohki]

Scott learns to Skateboard: F is for FAIL.

Today has not been a success for Skateboarding.

I say this, for all I know they could have invented the hover-boards from Back to the Future 2 and the BBC website hasn’t announced it yet, but for me, today has not been a success.

Being that I recently took a couple of small holidays to Loch Lomond and Download Festival, I’d not had much time to skate and aside from a little bit of practice a few days ago, today was the first opportunity I’d had to get any serious skating done, starting with the morning skate to work.

The morning skate involves going forwards and flat ground. Nothing more, nothing less. Not taxing, unless you find that your sense of balance is absolutely gone. I Shit, I can’t even ride! What the hell is going on? In my head I’m clear and coherent, but in terms of co-ordination I’ve regressed to a mewling infant, a screaming lump that has a habit of pissing itself for fun like the junkies I have to kick-turn around to avoid. What the utter fuck?

I spent most of the morning in work, trying to figure out the problem. I can’t have forgotten how to skate over Download, because I skated fine two days ago. Is it because I’m wearing two pairs of socks? Did my body get accustomed to the extra weight gained at Download by not showering and living from burger vans? Is it because I have a shirt on?

Resolved to find out, I made my way to the Skate Park on my lunch break. My first couple of attempts to not flail like someone shoved a tazer down my trousers failed spectacularly, but I soon got back into the swing of things, at least to a degree.

Then it happened. They say pride comes before a fall, and I can honestly say I was quite proud of the fact that while I’d fallen off my board a few times, I hadn’t yet quite gone arse over tit. Years ago I had an 80’s skateboarding book, which wished the skater well, and that they didn’t encounter too many small stones that jammed their wheels. Thankfully since then, wheel technology has progressed, from Plastic, to Rubber, to varying degrees of hard polyurethane. Small stones are no longer the burden they once were.

Sadly, some little fucker had left a reflective cycle clip on the ground, upon which my front wheels, regardless of modern technology, jammed. My board tips up and forward, and I spin through the air like that fat kid who filmed himself pretending to be Darth Maul, and got spread about the internet like the kind of STI he’s never going to get the chance to catch.

After picking myself up, dusting myself off and offering a quick prayer to Steve Jobs thanking him for the fact my Ipod still worked, a friendly biker informs me he’d seen someone earlier tell the aforementioned ‘little fucker’ to pick the clip up, to which the ‘little fucker’ laughed and replied ‘safety first’. I am still unsure whether to find the ‘little fucker’ and smack him upside the head, or to bitch slap the friendly biker who saw this and didn’t pick it up either.

That said, some good has come of it. Once you do go arse over tit, you lose the fear of it, and of getting hurt. My left wrist might still be sore and a little lumpy, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s not so bad. The next attempt saw me throw myself faster than before, with a grim determination and a very serious face. Also, I’m quite sure that ambidextrous masturbation isn’t beyond my capabilities, so it could be worse.

This also brings up the importance of safety gear. I don’t have any, and while I did consider buying a single wrist guard for my throbbing wrist, I reckon it looks too much like Michael Jackson’s single glove to be appropriate for a skate park full of children.

Happy Skating.

Scott.

[Fiona_B]

aw.

*rubs your wrist better*