Fiction: Movies Lie

[Connor O'Bain]

[image=left]http://www.alternativenation.net/gallery/files/1/chainsaw.jpg[/image]Movies lie. They do, you know.

You can't cut up a body with a chainsaw; well, at least not enough to make it manageable for disposal. The problem with a chainsaw is the shape of the teeth. It doesn't slice, as such: 'chips' or 'bites' would be a better description. Sure, you can hack off a limb or a head with enough momentum, but you can't chop up the body to, say, fit in a bin liner. You see, what happens is the teeth of the saw pull the sinew and meat into the engine that drives the chain, and pretty quickly all that elasticy muscle clogs the engine, which leaves you with two problems: one, you have a body in less pieces than you need it, and two, you have a chainsaw that you have to strip and clean of any evidence. Even after you clean it up it's still probably no use to anyone.

A circular saw is better. Unlike a chainsaw it does slice. Goes through all those meaty bits like a knife through butter. There's also the added bonus that the drive isn't directly attached to the cutting blade, so not nearly as much of the gunk gets into the engine. It does have the drawback, though, that the blades tend to chip when it comes to the bone. Having to buy new blades is an expense I would rather do without. So my preferred tool of the trade is a slab cutter. It's heavy and durable, and most importantly it doesn't slice or bite, it grinds. It will go through bone as easy as flesh and once you get used to the smell of grinding bone it's definitely a treat to work with. I tend to put a bit of Vicks vape-o-rub inside of a dusk mask, it's all very raver looking but it's better than burning bone.

Now, some people will swear by acid. My problem with acid is that it's good for the meat but you can spend hours trying to get some of the chunkier bits to go down the plughole. It also tends to make the bones go rubbery, which makes them difficult to dispose of. Some people then burn the bones, but you need access to a furnace or some other way of generating really high temperatures to do a good thorough job. If you can find a not-so-reputable crematorium that's perfect, but again I would rather keep my money than give kickbacks to pasty faced morticians. Then again, if you have one of those why bother with the acid?

In this particular case I'm going to go with the slab cutter, probably starting with the legs, followed by the knees and then on to the hips. I tend to try and keep the torso in one piece, so as not to spill any of the nasty innards about the place. Cleaning up blood is one thing, but the shit? No thanks. Then on to the arms—they fold up easier than legs so just lop 'em off at the shoulder—then finally the head. Then, after a wee drive up north to a farm I know of, I'll drop the pieces into a chicken grainer. Feed the grain to the chickens, works a treat. Picked up that titbit from a comic. A comic! I know, who would have thought it. Sorry? What's that? You'll pay me double, you say? Heh, no, I'm afraid I can't do that. Why, if I did that then I would probably end up where you are now. No, no, I'm not greedy. Oh, don't worry, you will be dead before I get to the entire chopping bit.

It's not like I'm a sadist.

[Charlie Parker]

I dig this

[Ghostsuit]

Noice

[beshemoth]

Loved it, nice one.

[Connor O'Bain]

Cheers guys, any constructive critisisms?

[beshemoth]

I don't DO constructive criticism, that would involve thought!

Ok (dredges around brain) liked how you changed the whole thing from a monologue to part of a conversation in the last 3 lines. (or at least that's what I thought you were doing)

[Ness]

loved it, dark as hell and at first i thought he was just thinking, now hes monologing it to his victim, thats supreme.

well done m8.

[Connor O'Bain]

Thought i would *bump* this due to it being my fave short story i have done and i felt like it and i want to motovate myself into doing a bit of writing

[Rev Scapegoat]

Glad you bumped.
Class stuff!

[Will_Couper]

I liked this. Sick stuff like that appeals to me.

But I think this has the same problem my piece that's in the Writer Support bit. It's not actually a story. Could be rejigged to be a story. Or could be the precursor to a story.






Will