| Dean Keenan Fan Club
Join Date: May 2001 Location: ail symudiad
Posts: 22,819
| Re: What do You Call a Packet of Crisps In A Wheelchair?
this is my favourite joke (dont think it will translate to text tho'):
An elderly American gent goes to the doctors. He finds out he has advanced lung, brain and bum cancer and has only weeks to live. He goes home and tells his wife. He rings up his four sons, three daughters and tells them to come round. They turn up so his whole family is there, him, the wife, the seven children, twenty three grandchildren and four great-grandchildren. He announces to them all he only has weeks to live.
His eldest son asks if he has anything left in life he wants to achieve or do. So the old man tells them a story.
He tells them how, as a young man, he fought at Normandy and was injured on the D-Day landings and was shot through the knee, hand and stomach. He was sure he was going to die but a young French woman took care of him at the field hospital and he survived and fell in love with his nurse.
Months go by until he is well enough to be sent home and he has to give his French lover a tearful goodbye. She insists she accomponies him to Belgium, to her uncles cafe, where they sell the world's greatest flanders toffee apple pie. He agrees.
He goes there, and she's right, it's the greatest toffee apple pie he's ever tasted. Perhaps the greatest thing he's tasted and, that night, him and the French woman make love before he leaves back for America.
He tells his family, whenever anything got dark in his life he remembered that young French woman and her flanders toffee apple pie and he had hope to keep going. It's how he persuaded his wife to marry him after she initially rebuffed him, how he worked three jobs to keep his kids alive as they grew up and now it was only the only thing keeping him alive as all he wanted to do was go back to Belgium, one last time, for his flanders toffee apple pie.
His children, gathered there, tell him that, between them, they could probably afford his plane ticket to Belgium and back so he can have this pie one last time. So the tickets are bought and he is to leave the next day.
He boards his flight but, shortly after refuelling at Rejkavijk, the engines go down and the plane starts to plummet. It hits the water and breaks up and his injuries are severe. He has shrapnel in left leg and burnt his face so he can no longer see from his right eye. He manages to grab onto some debris and starts kicking, hoping to swim to Belgium.
After days on end at sea he is noticed by an Icelandic whaling vessel. They take him on board and realise he's a survivor from the plane crash so inform him they'll take him back to Rejkavijk to be hospitalised. He pleads with them not to and they ask him why. So he tells them that, as a young man, he fought at Normandy and was injured on the D-Day landings and was shot through the knee, hand and stomach. He was sure he was going to die but a young French woman took care of him at the field hospital and he survived and fell in love with his nurse.
Months go by until he is well enough to be sent home and he has to give his French lover a tearful goodbye. She insists she accomponies him to Belgium, to her uncles cafe, where they sell the world's greatest flanders toffee apple pie. He agrees.
He goes there, and she's right, it's the greatest toffee apple pie he's ever tasted. Perhaps the greatest thing he's tasted and, that night, him and the French woman make love before he leaves back for America.
He tells the fishermen, whenever anything got dark in his life he remembered that young French woman and her flanders toffee apple pie and he had hope to keep going. It's how he persuaded his wife to marry him after she initially rebuffed him, how he worked three jobs to keep his kids alive as they grew up and now it was only the only thing keeping him alive as all he wanted to do was go back to Belgium, one last time, for his flanders toffee apple pie.
He knows he only has days to live because of his cancer and his injuries and pleads with them to take him to Belgium. They inform him they cannot go to Belgium but can drop him off at the Faroe Islands. He agrees to this.
They drop him off at the Faroe Islands where he clambers along Torshaven's marina looking for any boats heading in the general direction of Belgium. Eventually, beaten, scarred, wet, manky and bedraggled a Faroese ferryman asks why he wants to go to Belgium.
He tells him how, as a young man, he fought at Normandy and was injured on the D-Day landings and was shot through the knee, hand and stomach. He was sure he was going to die but a young French woman took care of him at the field hospital and he survived and fell in love with his nurse.
Months go by until he is well enough to be sent home and he has to give his French lover a tearful goodbye. She insists she accomponies him to Belgium, to her uncles cafe, where they sell the world's greatest flanders toffee apple pie. He agrees.
He goes there, and she's right, it's the greatest toffee apple pie he's ever tasted. Perhaps the greatest thing he's tasted and, that night, him and the French woman make love before he leaves back for America.
He tells this ferryman whenever anything got dark in his life he remembered that young French woman and her flanders toffee apple pie and he had hope to keep going. It's how he persuaded his wife to marry him after she initially rebuffed him, how he worked three jobs to keep his kids alive as they grew up and now it was only the only thing keeping him alive as all he wanted to do was go back to Belgium, one last time, for his flanders toffee apple pie.
And how, on his flight over, shortly after refuelling at Rejkavijk, the engines go down and the plane starts to plummet. It hits the water and breaks up and his injuries are severe. He has shrapnel in left leg and burnt his face so he can no longer see from his right eye. He manages to grab onto some debris and starts kicking, hoping to swim to Belgium. Where he is picked up by some Icelandic fisherman who dropped him off at Torshaven.
The ferryman informs him he is going to Denmark and can take him as far as Aalborg. The elderly gent thanks him and gets onto the ferry. The ferryman says he can stow away in the boiler room and each night will bring him some food and the trip will take two days.
He thanks the ferryman and makes camp in the boiler room where, after a few hours, the captain spies him. He demands to know how he got into the boiler room. He begs for clemency from the Captain and he tells him how, as a young man, he fought at Normandy and was injured on the D-Day landings and was shot through the knee, hand and stomach. He was sure he was going to die but a young French woman took care of him at the field hospital and he survived and fell in love with his nurse.
Months go by until he is well enough to be sent home and he has to give his French lover a tearful goodbye. She insists she accomponies him to Belgium, to her uncles cafe, where they sell the world's greatest flanders toffee apple pie. He agrees.
He goes there, and she's right, it's the greatest toffee apple pie he's ever tasted. Perhaps the greatest thing he's tasted and, that night, him and the French woman make love before he leaves back for America.
He tells the ferry captain, whenever anything got dark in his life he remembered that young French woman and her flanders toffee apple pie and he had hope to keep going. It's how he persuaded his wife to marry him after she initially rebuffed him, how he worked three jobs to keep his kids alive as they grew up and now it was only the only thing keeping him alive as all he wanted to do was go back to Belgium, one last time, for his flanders toffee apple pie.
And how, on his flight over, shortly after refuelling at Rejkavijk, the engines go down and the plane starts to plummet. It hits the water and breaks up and his injuries are severe. He has shrapnel in left leg and burnt his face so he can no longer see from his right eye. He manages to grab onto some debris and starts kicking, hoping to swim to Belgium. Where he is picked up by some Icelandic fisherman who dropped him off at Torshaven.
The captain informs him he is breaking any number of international sailing laws by doing this but allows him to stay on the condition he can be used as the captain's sexual plaything for the journey. He reluctantly agrees and spends two nights being raped in any available cavity the captain can find, including the gaping hole in his left leg. After two days, dry blood covering his colon, rectum and anus, his cancer eating at him from the inside, and dried cum and piss inside him wounded leg he gets off at Aalborn where he starts dragging himself south.
A couple of days go by when he is spotted by a man driving a Stella Artois lorry. He stops, gets out his lorry, and goes up to this thing dragging himself along the road and asks what the matter is. The old man tells him how, as a young man, he fought at Normandy and was injured on the D-Day landings and was shot through the knee, hand and stomach. He was sure he was going to die but a young French woman took care of him at the field hospital and he survived and fell in love with his nurse.
Months go by until he is well enough to be sent home and he has to give his French lover a tearful goodbye. She insists she accomponies him to Belgium, to her uncles cafe, where they sell the world's greatest flanders toffee apple pie. He agrees.
He goes there, and she's right, it's the greatest toffee apple pie he's ever tasted. Perhaps the greatest thing he's tasted and, that night, him and the French woman make love before he leaves back for America.
He tells the long distance lorry driver, whenever anything got dark in his life he remembered that young French woman and her flanders toffee apple pie and he had hope to keep going. It's how he persuaded his wife to marry him after she initially rebuffed him, how he worked three jobs to keep his kids alive as they grew up and now it was only the only thing keeping him alive as all he wanted to do was go back to Belgium, one last time, for his flanders toffee apple pie.
And how, on his flight over, shortly after refuelling at Rejkavijk, the engines go down and the plane starts to plummet. It hits the water and breaks up and his injuries are severe. He has shrapnel in left leg and burnt his face so he can no longer see from his right eye. He manages to grab onto some debris and starts kicking, hoping to swim to Belgium. Where he is picked up by some Icelandic fisherman who dropped him off at Torshaven.
Where he was taken to Aalborg but raped repeatedly along the way and now can no longer sit or walk. The lorry driver then notices his leg which smells of rotting flesh. In his broken English he informs the old man he has gangrene in his left leg and will takeh him to hospital. The old man says he must get to Belgium. The Stella driver says he can take him to Belgium but he'll be dead before the day is out. The old man pleads for help so the driver lifts him onto his cargo bed, with his leg hanging out, and repeatedly smashes the door of his cargo hold off his leg until it severs it from the knee down. He then cauterises the wound using a lighter and a can of Lynx Africa. The old man passes out from the pain and the driver puts him in the front cabin and drives toward Antwerp.
The old man arrives in Antwerp and instantly recognises the city as the same place he had the toffee apple pie. He thanks the driver and begins crawling down it's ancient streets and avenues looking for the cafe.
After hours, his hands and knees bleeding and sore from the cobbled streets he happens upon it but as he tries to enter the owner says he cannot come in as he smells of shit, vomit, blood, semen, salt water, fish and, strangely, cadbury's cream eggs but the old man insists he must come in for as a young man, he fought at Normandy and was injured on the D-Day landings and was shot through the knee, hand and stomach. He was sure he was going to die but a young French woman took care of him at the field hospital and he survived and fell in love with his nurse.
Months go by until he is well enough to be sent home and he has to give his French lover a tearful goodbye. She insists she accomponies him to Belgium, to her uncles cafe, where they sell the world's greatest flanders toffee apple pie. He agrees.
He goes there, and she's right, it's the greatest toffee apple pie he's ever tasted. Perhaps the greatest thing he's tasted and, that night, him and the French woman make love before he leaves back for America.
He tells the cafe owner, whenever anything got dark in his life he remembered that young French woman and her flanders toffee apple pie and he had hope to keep going. It's how he persuaded his wife to marry him after she initially rebuffed him, how he worked three jobs to keep his kids alive as they grew up and now it was only the only thing keeping him alive as all he wanted to do was go back to Belgium, one last time, for his flanders toffee apple pie.
And how, on his flight over, shortly after refuelling at Rejkavijk, the engines go down and the plane starts to plummet. It hits the water and breaks up and his injuries are severe. He has shrapnel in left leg and burnt his face so he can no longer see from his right eye. He manages to grab onto some debris and starts kicking, hoping to swim to Belgium. Where he is picked up by some Icelandic fisherman who dropped him off at Torshaven.
He goes on to tell him about two nights of constant sexual abuse at the hands of a Faroese captain, how he was even raped in the gaping hole in his leg, how he staggered down a Danish highway for two days until he was picked up. How a Belgian long distance cargo driver had smashed the remainder of his leg off and cauterised the wound with cheap deodorant and how he was sure this was the cafe that gave him hope sixty years ago and all he wanted was one more slice of flanders toffee apple pie.
The restauranteur takes him inside and calls on the chef and explains to the chef how this man fought at Normandy and was injured on the D-Day landings and was shot through the knee, hand and stomach. He was sure he was going to die but a young French woman took care of him at the field hospital and he survived and fell in love with his nurse.
Months go by until he is well enough to be sent home and he has to give his French lover a tearful goodbye. She insists she accomponies him to Belgium, to her uncles cafe, where they sell the world's greatest flanders toffee apple pie. He agrees.
He goes there, and she's right, it's the greatest toffee apple pie he's ever tasted. Perhaps the greatest thing he's tasted and, that night, him and the French woman make love before he leaves back for America.
He tells the chef, whenever anything got dark in his life he remembered that young French woman and her flanders toffee apple pie and he had hope to keep going. It's how he persuaded his wife to marry him after she initially rebuffed him, how he worked three jobs to keep his kids alive as they grew up and now it was only the only thing keeping him alive as all he wanted to do was go back to Belgium, one last time, for his flanders toffee apple pie.
And how, on his flight over, shortly after refuelling at Rejkavijk, the engines go down and the plane starts to plummet. It hits the water and breaks up and his injuries are severe. He has shrapnel in left leg and burnt his face so he can no longer see from his right eye. He manages to grab onto some debris and starts kicking, hoping to swim to Belgium. Where he is picked up by some Icelandic fisherman who dropped him off at Torshaven.
He goes on to tell him about two nights of constant sexual abuse at the hands of a Faroese captain, how he was even raped in the gaping hole in his leg, how he staggered down a Danish highway for two days until he was picked up. How a Belgian long distance cargo driver had smashed the remainder of his leg off and cauterised the wound with cheap deodorant and how he was sure this was the cafe that gave him hope sixty years ago and all he wanted was one more slice of flanders toffee apple pie.
The chef takes one look at the old man, who by now, only has minutes to live and explains to him, in his best english, that, sadly, they have run out of flanders toffee apple pie.
"Just some chocolate ice cream will do then"
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Last edited by ¡Punk!; 28th July 2009 at 5:25pm.
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when i am in charge everyone who is LOVELY will get a BIG HAT, that will be THE LAW.
