| The Tiger, The Three Toffs and the jumper made of flowers
The tiger sat atop his green hill and surveyed the magic land that was his. To his left a little hairy elf dressed in a green silk suit juggled plates, his tongue poking out in concentration.
“Bollocks I’m bored,” said the tiger.
The elf stopped juggling, the plates falling to the ground and smashing into pieces and started to jig but the tiger, who was called Englebert, just yawned.
“Here come those toffs again guv,” the elf muttered, as three red faced fat children heaved themselves uphill step by step.
The elf continued to jig merrily as the children prostrated themselves before the tiger.
“Whoaaaaaa hail the tiger king!” they cried.
“Please fuck off, “ Englebert grunted.
“Would it please the tiger king if we presented him with a lovely jumper we’ve woven from woodland flowers?” the eldest child asked.
He was a red faced boy with an endlessly dripping nose called Horace.
“Another one? I told you inbred spastics already I don’t wear jumpers, even if I did I certainly wouldn’t wear one made of flowers!” the tiger king snarled.
“But it’s oh so pretty my sweet lord!” the youngest, a ruddy faced blonde girl called Bessie twittered.
“Yes, it’ll look nice on you!” Bessie’s cousin freckly ginger Bill grinned, “you’ll be the envy of this magic land from the fairy forest to the castle of the chicken farmers!”
“Try in on!” they pleased together.
The tiger let loose a sob.
“Why won’t you go home?” he cried.
“Oh it’s horrid in England sire, just imagine I’m old enough to be enlisted, I couldn’t have that! I’d miss my brother and sister!” Horace protested.
“You could write them letters!” Englebert suggested.
“We’d miss him so!” Bill and Bessie cried.
“I’d miss hugging them!” Horace protested.
“I’d miss his cock,” added Bessie.
“Arse,” stated Englebert.
“Have we told you about Jesus Englebert?” asked Bill.
“YES” the tiger roared.
“Let’s all sing!” the children cried.
“I preferred it when I was locked in that cave by the snake queen!” the tiger muttered.
The elf continued to dance as Englebert brooded and the children laughed and sang about a man named Jesus and his happy land of angels. | 
