| Merry Christmas. Ho Ho Ho. etc
Me and the elves got fucked up on moonshine and acid last night, I ended up getting my cock out in the workshop's ladies bathroom and me and one of the elves stuck a firework up a reindeer's arse.
Anyway, to cut to the chase, I'm in the cells at North Pole police headquarters facing a charge of lewd conduct and sexual harassment after an incident with Mrs Claus's daughter from a previous marriage. The elves are refusing to cough up the bail because I make them work 18 hours a day for an hourly rate that would insult a Chinese football-stitching toddler. Basically, all y'all aren't getting any presents this year and, to be honest, I'm glad. I cannot fucking be arsed with this shit anymore.
Merry Christmas. Cunts. | 
