Neds - A True Story by Me

*LesMTS* · 23rd April 2005, 2:48pm

Ambling home from the Westie last night, slightly inebriated and jovial of mood, myself and my associates were compelled (for reasons beyond our ken) to offer that coolest of pleasantries - the 'high-five' - to the various characters, drunks and lost souls who inhabit the gilded boulevards of Dundee post-midnight. For the most part our good-humoured request to slap skin with these unfortunates was met with a smile here and a laugh there. Yes, a general atmosphere of drunken camaraderie was palpable on Ward road last night as a result of our happy exuberance.

Approaching the intersection of Ward road and Reform street we happened upon two 'wee schemies' lurking in the shadows of the old Pentangle store. Not being the kind of characters to look down our noses at this kind of street-life we extended our benevolent gesture to them also, offering the age old, hand aloft invitation to high-five.

I fear that it will be only too obvious to you, my esteemed peers, what the latter half of my tale of adventure will be.........but for now I'll leave a cliffhanger as I am compelled by my respected employers to take part in stimulating discourse with a customer regarding the reduced availability of trolleys at his local superstore (or some such inanity).

Stay tuned for the next exciting installment of "Neds - A True Story" . . . . . . . . . .

Heres an excerpt from part two to whet your appetite,

"Ah dinnae ken where your fae but in Dundee if you try to high-five somwan it means yer trying tae call them a dick" said the Ben Sherman shirted fuck head.

Baron Samedi · 23rd April 2005, 3:44pm

you were asking for it & probably got what you deserved (although I await the next thrilling installment with eager anticipation).

*LesMTS* · 23rd April 2005, 4:02pm

I was asking him to high-five me and didn't get what I deserved (a high-five) because he was a wee ben sherman shirt wearing, baseball capped fanny (and his mates).

Campestral · 23rd April 2005, 4:05pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by LesMTS

Approaching the intersection of Hospital Ward road and Reform School street we happened upon two 'wee schemies' lurking in the shadows

i agree with shuriken

Baron Samedi · 23rd April 2005, 4:09pm

no, you were being stupid by approaching random neds and inviting them to join in your "antics". I'm not saying it's right that you can expect abuse from a ned for being friendly but that's what neds do. you're obviously familiar with the chav mentality (as any of us with any kind of "alternative" leaning are) so why did you think that they'd change their behaviour for you?

Uncle Fritz · 23rd April 2005, 4:32pm

Instead of offering them a high five you should of given them a good coating in petrol, purchased from the Jet garage and proceeded to ignite the flammable liquid with your trusty lighter. Then, in the surrounding cloud of smoke and acrid stench you could have allowed a smile to appear upon your jawline and take comfort in the fact you had done society a favour.

riseandshine · 23rd April 2005, 5:07pm

In another side of the coin type way...

I was wandering back from a gig in Glasgow on Thursday night. Beanie pulled down, quickened step, trying to avoid every shouting ned staggering along Argyle St when I happened upon a guy swaying about outside the tron theatre. Hidden in the wee alcove bit there.

Head immediately thinks 'shiiiiit' I can't stop dead, there's traffic coming if I try to cross the road... so I just figure walk past with minimal eye contact and a smile should do. Headphones are blaring so can't make out what he's attempting to say.

Just as I think I'm safe and I'm on my way, I feel his hand on my shoulder as he pulls me around. Pure bricking it. Turns out he's pissed as fukk and clutching a map and can't find his hotel. I point him in the right direction and get a pen out of my bag to mark the route on his map.

You'd think I'd bloody told him he'd won the lottery. He wanted to give me money but instead I just settled for a slap on the back and him yelling down the street all the way home about how I should be made queen.

BUT, aye, a rare thing....

Krocktopus · 25th April 2005, 1:05pm

Yo! I was crusing thru Fundee only a few months ago, behind the Caird Hall when 2 Neds decided to announce my arrival by shouting 'Look, Here comes Jim Morisson' (presumanly due to my longer than army regulation hair) as if it was some kind of derisionary statement. I've never been so uninsulted in my life. Yes I am Jim Morisson, thank you very much but you are still a ned/chav/spide/etc

Timmy · 25th April 2005, 1:16pm

thats quite weird, because someone offered me a high five and i stabbed the bastard and put his body in the clyde.

TragicHero · 25th April 2005, 5:28pm

I disagree with Shuriken and everyone who agrees with Shuriken,
I think if you're friendly then other people should be friendly towards you as was probably the case with most people you tried to high five.

*LesMTS* · 25th April 2005, 6:14pm

Totally man! Spread the love is what I say!! I would have felt I was being discriminatory by denying the lads my gesture of peace (as I hinted in my original post) and as 'Riseandshine' pointed out above you can't always 'judge a book by it's cover' (to use an old and hackneyed phrase).
I'd rather live a risky life of goodwill than a safe life of suspicion and prejudice. They want to start shit because I was nice to them? That's their problem, not mine. I refuse to make excuses for pasty skinned little dogshit brained macho-men.

I'll finish the tale soon, work is a bit hectic tonight and I don't want to just bang out an ill thought-out post like this one.

Seph · 25th April 2005, 6:30pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by LesMts

I'd rather live a risky life of goodwill than a safe life of suspicion and prejudice

Don't go near neds. I like your outlook and attitude, but there is little to be expected from the stereotype.

**Kenny Everett** · 25th April 2005, 6:33pm

You should know better than to be a drunken twit near potentially violent folk you don't kniow.

Hell, I'd have twatted you for being an irritating student

TheCastrator · 25th April 2005, 7:18pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by LesMTS

That's their problem, not mine.

By the state of the story so far, it seems as if it is indeed your problem.

*LesMTS* · 25th April 2005, 7:34pm

True, in a way, but that's not the kind of problem I was thinking of. My problem was that I had to negotiate a 30 minute altercation in the street with a small pack of ne'er-do-wells. Their problem is far, far more enduring. That half hour is well behind me now, I guess they will have to live with their mindsets and personalities (and the subsequent forfeit of any enjoyment of life) for the rest of their days. That's the problem I was talking about.

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