The Cheap Seats

[Charlie Parker]

Werewolves On Wheels - USA (1971)

This flick has motorbikes, werewolves and motorbike riding werewolves so you’d assume it was going to be great. Unfortunately Werewolves On Wheels is bollocks.

The film concerns a motorbike gang who get cursed by a bunch of devil monks and as they ride around various members start turning up dead. The story is flat, the acting is lame, gore nonexistent and there’s not even many laughs to be had at the cheese factor. In fact the highlight is when an ugly biker gal gyrates with a snake. The werewolf itself, when it finally shows up, is just a guy with an extra hairy face, making Teen Wolf seem terrifying in comparison.

Apart from the werewolf bit, this film could be any crap biker movie, even using Easy Rider like camera work. Werewolves On Wheels is a bag of junk.

Winners And Sinners - Hong Kong (1983)




Jackie Chan gets top billing in this energetic yet rambling kung fu comedy but he’s hardly in it. Instead the focus is on a set of five ex-con bumblers led by everyone’s favourite kung fu fattie Sammo Hung.

The plot is near enough vacant, instead the film is carried by a series of comedic episodes than range from amusing to the utterly baffling. The main gist is the five, whilst working as the Five Star cleaning agency, unknowingly come into the possession of a briefcase that some bad guys want back. This drives the last half hour, the main bulk of the movie given over to Sammo and company’s gurning as they strive to bed a comely Chinese wench. The set pieces include an utterly odd routine where one of the cleaners thinks he is invisible after reading a magic book and a Rod Stewart sing song by a blind trio in a market place. It doesn’t really make much sense and a lot of it isn’t funny in the way intended. Some bits do work, especially when Ching Sung Ling is making out like Dean Martin at a party.

Thankfully there’s enough action to keep the interest when everything else is failing, Jackie Chan chases a car on roller-skates and Sammo takes on Sparks, no really, on at the end with a big staff.

Ultimately Winners And Sinners is quirky throw away cinema tailor made for those early hours when you can’t get to sleep.



Blindman - Italy (1971)



Crazy misogynistic Western starring Ringo fucking Starr. Yes, you read that right.

Out of all the Spaghettis, and there was lots, Blindman has to be one of the most nuts and nasty. The film concerns a blind gunman played by Stranger regular Tony Anthony who is hired to escort fifty mail order brides to a bunch of randy Texan miners. When he arrives to take them to their waiting hubbies the Blindman finds they have been abducted by crazy ex-Beatles bandit Candy to work in a whore house. With the aid of a Mexican general, Blindman seeks to rescue them but finds himself double crossed at every turn. He’s beaten, shot at and even nearly eats a snake! Just goes to show that there is equality in suffering for Western heroes whatever your disability.

The women don’t get off much better, spending much of the film in dressed in tatters or in chains and getting blown away. But at least Blindman can shoot back, with the aid of his horse and Daredevil-esque powers of sound and sense.

Easily the most nuts moment is when a woman gets married to Ringo Starr when he’s slumped in a coffin.

Ending in a typical Ugly shoot out, Blindman is a sometimes crass but perfectly enjoyable Spaghetti from the dying days of the genre.


More movies next time wankers!

[Charlie Parker]

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