Things 'Commando' teaches us

Cuff Daddy · 13th December 2007, 2:27pm

1) Porsches can "heal" themselves after repeatedly crashing into a Fiat and
rolling onto their sides.

2) Two people can crash into a pole at 50 mph, wearing no seatbelts, and walk
away.

3) Uzi's do not run out of ammunition until everyone is dead.

4) Being electrocuted will give you superhuman strength.

5) The best place to lock up a hostage is in a large room with balsa wood
covering the window openings, with no guards outside the window.

6) The only way to break through balsa wood is with a disassembled doorknob.

7) Cheap airplanes are started by punching the control panel and saying "Fly or
DIE!"

8) The best way to discreetly tell someone that people may be out to get him is
by flying a military helicopter through the rolling mountains of Southern
California to meet him.

9) Three men in a van can easily survive an explosion caused by a rocket being
shot into the van's gas tank.

10) You can't just unbutton someone's shirt. You have to rip it open, and hold
it open while talking to them.

11) A man's centre of gravity does not change when picking up another man and
holding him at arm's length.

12) Surplus stores have enough equipment to blow up an entire compound.

13) The only way to break into a surplus store is by driving your handy
bulldozer through the front of it, for everyone to see.

14) However, no one will see what happened in (13).

15) A Ford Bronco with no brakes can still brake.

16) A Ford Bronco will explode three times upon rollover.

17) Tranquilizer darts are instantaneously effective.

18) One can walk about an airplane during takeoff if he claims that he is
airsick.

19) Old Fiats are as fast as new Porsches.

20) Explosives set on the outside of a building will cause the building to
explode from the inside.
21) Upon being scalped by circular saw blade, one becomes instantly pale.

22) Really good hair gel will not wash out, period.

23) Shopping malls have about 100 inept security guards apiece.

24) The best place to secretly exchange false documents for a briefcase-full of
money is in a very public bar in a very public shopping mall.

25) Upon being blown up by a hand grenade, one does an acrobatic somersault.

26) Upon being shot, one acts like a cartoon character tripping backwards over a
step.

27) Hedge deflects bullets.

28) If your daughter is being held hostage on an island, you should blow up
every building on that island except one, because chances are she'll be in that
one.

29) People commonly use stairs to get onto large commercial jetliners at Los
Angeles International Airport, not jetways.

30) If a large truck comes barreling down a mountain toward you while you are
driving, you should not brake. Instead, you should just say, "he's gonna hit
us!" and keep driving at the same speed.

31) The US military's two best soldiers are an Austrian guy and an Australian
guy.

32) The most efficient and reliable way to kill someone is to drive up to their
house in a garbage truck when it's not their regular pick-up day, and hope that
your intended victim hears you coming and rushes out with the garbage. And
nobody else in the neighbourhood will come out with their garbage too.

33) A perfectly built Austrian and a shorter, fatter Australian are evenly
matched, even if one of them looks like he's in much better shape.

34) A medieval-style chain-mail chest plate is a useful piece of 20th century
military equipment.

35) "Between the balls" is apparently a very bad place to take a bullet.

36) If you exit a commercial airplane after takeoff, none of the flight
attendants or other passengers will wonder what happened to you.

37) Opening the hatch to gain access to the landing gear won't set off any
warnings in the cockpit, even in a pressurized airplane that's about to take
off.

38) If you only have one (very early) cellular phone, don't give it to the guy
who's seeing Matrix off on the plane. Keep it by your side, even if there are
normal telephones where you are. That way, when things go wrong, he can't call
you with an update from his car but must find a pay phone instead.

39) If you used to be the head of a country, and you were overthrown and now
live in exile, you automatically get your job back if the current ruler is
assassinated.

40) If a team of ex-soldiers is given new identities and relocated, most of them
will be given lousy jobs (car salesman, fishing boat worker), but the leader
gets a big house in the mountains and a generous stipend. And the psychotic guy
who got kicked off the team will get a new identity too, for some reason.

41) If you're trying to find the ex-leader of a special military unit who's been
hiding in the mountains, wait till a military helicopter flies to his house, then
have your henchmen teleport there two minutes later.

42) If you break into a warehouse and knock one of the workers out and lock him
in a closet, he won't tell anybody about it when he regains consciousness.

Man I love that film !

Prof · 13th December 2007, 2:43pm

43) We all need to let off some steam

Posh · 13th December 2007, 2:46pm

Hahahahahaha.

Addy · 13th December 2007, 2:47pm

Bell · 13th December 2007, 4:17pm

Amazing!

Stew · 13th December 2007, 4:20pm

#44 - It's better than Star Trek.

*LesMTS* · 5th August 2008, 3:19pm

43. If you're a bad-guy with a suitcase full of cash in a mall, and a huge fight breaks out inside that you have nothing to do with you run out and start shooting anyway.
44. If you're pursued by the evil paramilitaries and run out of ammo go to the garden tool shed, because all the bad guys store their circular saw blades there.
45. To properly heat a two storey mansion near L.A. you need a boiler room that looks like a combined heat and power station.
46. If you get slashed across the stomach with a knife you don't bleed like a pig.
47. Upon investigating the crime scene of a surplus store robbery, no one will notice a large Cadillac convertible full of guns, rockets, knives, explosives and especially a person parked behind the store.
48. When your daughter's life is on the line and time is limited, be sure to carefully put on black war paint to camouflage yourself on a sub-tropical island.
49. Arnold can carry an entire tree by himself.
50. A Deer will always come up and eat food from your hand.

51. Arnold can rip a bolted seat right out of car with his bare hands.
52. Even though the bad guys have disabled your truck's engine, you can still drive it down a hill with exhaust fumes coming out the tailpipe.
53. A shotgun leaves perfect rows of 6 exit wounds on a man, even though he was shot during a gun battle where the shooter was rolling, jumping, flying and generally not stable.
54. After you've jumped from a plane's landing gear from about 200 feet in the air, you can still get up and sprint across an airport tarmac.
55. Arnold can cut through logs with one swing of his axe.
56. Soldiers in the distance will shoot randomly all over the place even though the only battle going on is a small one-man melee on the other side of the island.
57. A little inflatable boat doesn't sink when you put an array of machine guns & rocket launchers in it.
58. Your hands do not get burnt when you rip a steel door of a flaming furnace.
59. You can still use both your arms to beat the crap out of someone and rip a steel pipe from the wall even though you have just been shot in the shoulder.
60. If you have been shot in the arm, slashed with knifes, beaten up, shot with a tranquillizer and also crashed into a pole with driving 50mph yet you can still walk carrying your daughter and get on a plane like nothing has happened.

61. Shopping mall decorations can be used to swing from one side of to the mall to the other.
62. You have just killed about 100 men, robbed a surplus store, stole cars, wrecked a hotel room, blew up a police van, stole a plane, beat up about 50 security guards, jumped of a commercial airplane when its taking off, wrecked private property and blew up an entire base yet you get away scot-free with no questions asked.
63. Rocket Launchers are easy to use when you read the instructions.
64. You can buy Rocket Launchers at your local surplus store.
65. On commercial airliners, live dogs are stored in the unpressurized cargo bay.
66. Matrix eats Green Berets for breakfast.
67. When an evil, psychotic mercenary determined to kill you is standing about three feet away with a machine gun aimed straight at you, he will not fire at you when you suddenly turn around and rip a pipe off the wall.
68. After kidnapping a man’s daughter and sending him to assassinate someone. You assume that one black guy on a plane will be enough to stop him from attempting to rescue his daughter.
69. Scratches on Porsches can appear and re-appear.
70. In foreign countries, any member of the public is allowed to run up to a stretcher, check whose lying on it and then runaway no questions asked.

71. If there are eight people against one man, each person will wait their turn to attack.
72. Digital watches beep annoyingly as they count down.
73. Bad guys use briefcases that open to the sound of gunfire.
74. Falling in to an electric generator doesn't actually kill you, it simply fires you up to continue fighting.
75. You can be in a tiny shed with 7 automatic weapons firing on it from all directions and not get shot.
76. Most guns have a never-ending supply of bullets.
77. Three men in a jeep driving towards you very fast and firing machine guns will not hit you despite firing on you for nearly a minute while you just stand there.
78. Grenades blow up 1 second after you throw them but take ages to go off when thrown in your direction.
79. Young girls often walk up to young black women they've never met before and hug them.
80. After driving a bulldozer into a surplus store, it is always important to put on the parking brake.

81. While robbing the surplus store make sure to grab the nearest convenient shopping cart.
82. Saw blades fly a lot like frisbees.
83. Anyone can follow clues to finding their daughter as long as they check the pockets of the person they just killed.
84. Any bad guy will nonchalantly turn around to answer an Austrian man asking him "como esta?"
85. You can jump out of a plane, hunt down and kill a man, crash into a pole at 60 mph, steal assorted automatic weapons and a rocket launcher, fly to a private island, and infiltrate an island base guarded by a small army within 11 hours.
86. The best technique to avoid gunfire is to stand behind a slender statue.
87. Firing a rocket launcher causes you to fall backwards, even though firing one backwards does not cause you to fall forwards.
88. Most of the soldiers in every evil dictator's private military look exactly the same.
89. The best way to fake your own death is to have someone blow up a boat with you in it.
90. A rocket launcher will blow up a vehicle full of bad guys, but if you shoot one at a vehicle containing a good guy it'll just break open the back so he can escape.

91. Your typical passenger on an airplane doesn't really care when you start killing the people sitting near you.
92. Airports in Los Angeles are situated next to swamps, for the convenience of those passengers who need to jump off the plane during takeoff.
93. If you kill a person on a plane just cover his face with a hat and no one will notice the dead body until the plane lands.
94. Digital watches make loud beeping noises - but only if you are looking directly at them.
95. When you have a gun in hand, and a man is trying to pick up the telephone booth you are in, don't try to shoot him.
96. It's easy to survive multiple seatbelt-less crashes.
97. Being hit by a car only makes you run faster.
98. If you kick in the door of your neighboring hotel room, you will see some big breasts.
99. You can always find two parking places right in front of the front door of a huge shopping mall.