*** Just In From Scottish Tv *** [Merged]

Poison#X · 14th May 2004, 4:43pm

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit the west of Scotland in the early hours of Monday.
Epicentre : Port Glasgow

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "Whit the F*ck" and "Ar ye awe right ya owl c*nt".
The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £8 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from teh Balearics and Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived.
Scotland Today reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in the area.

One resident - Tracy Shazney Smith, a 15 year old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came runnign into my bedroom crying. My youngest two : Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundstretchers.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, the most needed include : Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), white sport socks, Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Matalan. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of beans, ice cream and cans of Colt 45 or bottles of Buckie. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms £1 buys chips, crisps and bottles of ginger for a family of 9, £1.50 will pay for a packet of B+H's and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of Greenock.

Thanks + Regards
Ian Baxter
Secretary
Clune Brae Residents Association