No Remote - Shadow Boxing

No Remote - never heard of them? There's a reason for that. What a waste of time. Musically bland with a singer who can't decide between hero worshipping the Muse vocalist or the shortarse from Placebo. Honestly, sometimes I genuinely can't imagine what record companies are thinking. These guys must have got a fair amount of cash to write and record an album and have managed to produce something less pleasurable than listening to kittens being tortured.

I know I'm in trouble for taking ages to review this album (sorry Woolies!) but after listening to it the first time it was an absolute chore to put it on again. I genuinely can't think of a good thing to say about Shadow Boxing other than the CD will double as a nice coaster next time I have a cup of tea. Or a frisbee if I happen to be feeling slightly more energetic. The problem is I can't even work up some decent vitriol towards the album or the band. It doesn't even stand out as an example of such atrocious quality that everyone should listen just to ridicule it.

A complete black hole of an album.

Shadow Boxing is out now on Lockjaw Records

http://www.myspace.com/NoRemote

[¡Punk!]

All the best reviews are for shite music. Reviewing music you like is hard.

[Ghostsuit]

So you didn't like it, right?

[Rhythm Junkie]

Originally Posted by Ghostsuit

So you didn't like it, right?

Fucking loved it

Originally Posted by ¡Punk!

Reviewing music you like is hard.

That is very true

[Posh]

Brutal!

[Rhythm Junkie]

Oops

Dear ‘Rhythm Junkie’



As a member of No Remote I would like to start by thanking you for taking the time to review our release. If there truly is “no such thing as bad publicity” I’m sure that we can look forward to an upswing in our fortunes thanks in no small part to your bile-filled assessment of our talents.



I am not arrogant enough to believe that nobody would dislike our music; anybody of this opinion would, quite frankly, be living an extremely deluded life. You were clearly less than impressed with our efforts (this may be an understatement) and I respect your opinion as I would anyone else’s. I do, however, feel that if somebody is going to review records for a living (or as a hobby), that person should be as informed and informative as possible and not let their disdain for the subject matter get in the way of the service that they purport to be providing. As far as the information side of things goes, I feel that your review did not even attempt to give your readers any inkling of the sound or style of our music and until they introduce a “kittens being tortured” section (sub category: “less pleasurable than…”) into the larger branches of HMV, patrons of your website may struggle to even find our releases. As regards the notion of being informed, I have several issues with the content of your review which I shall outline below with direct quotes from your writing - a review of a review, if you will.





“No Remote - never heard of them? There's a reason for that.”



Right off the bat it would seem that you are equating widespread exposure with quality of output. This, as anyone will agree, is simply not the case. How many times have you picked up an album that is ten years old or more and upon listening to it thought “why the hell have I never even heard of this band before???” It happens to me regularly. Sadly, the world is full of amazing artists that make great records and yet still sink without trace while the music charts and mainstream magazines are, for the most part, clogged up with utter dross. I’ve heard of Robbie Williams - does that automatically mean that his records are good? On the flipside of this I can think of several bands from different parts of the country that are fantastic yet remain unsigned and unknown to anybody outside of a certain geographical area.



“Musically bland with a singer who can't decide between hero worshipping the Muse vocalist or the shortarse from Placebo.”



While I think that your vocal comparisons are extremely wide of the mark, I feel that I should applaud this sentence for being the only one in the review that actually makes any mention of our music. It is only the vaguest of mentions but a mention nevertheless. However, if I was a reader who had no idea what No Remote sounded like, I would be left none the wiser at this time.



“Honestly, sometimes I genuinely can't imagine what record companies are thinking.”



I don’t run a record label so I also can’t be certain what the head honchos are thinking. If I did run a label, I reckon that I would sign bands for one of two reasons. Reason number one would be that they would be likely to shift a lot of units and make me some filthy lucre. Reason number two (probably less likely in the major label world but certainly more prevalent in independent circles) would be that I really liked the music that the band were making and thought it deserved the chance to reach a wider audience. As Lockjaw is an independent (a fact that will be addressed shortly) and there have only been a limited amount of copies of our EP pressed, I think it’s fairly safe to assume that they were thinking the latter.



“These guys must have got a fair amount of cash to write and record an album...”



Everything so far could be easily dismissed as personal opinion and perhaps forgiven. This sentence is pure conjecture and can not be let off quite so easily. What led you to the idea that we were given “a fair amount of cash”? If you have any knowledge of the workings of the music industry (which, if you intend to write about it, you should have) you will be well aware that artists aren’t ‘given’ money. They generally get advanced money to record and live on which is recoupable from record sales before the artist ever sees a penny of money that they could call their own. The size of this advance will generally depend on the size of the label and the funding at their disposal. We are not signed to a major label. We are not even signed to a large indie label. A little bit of research would have provided you with some information regarding the size and scale of our label without you needing to resort to such wild speculation. We had an extremely modest recording budget. We all still work day jobs in order to fund the band. We tour during our annual leave. We wouldn’t be worth mugging - it would be a waste of everyone’s time. You can accuse us of anything that you like but we are certainly not rich rock stars jetting around the globe and blowing coke up each others arses, all the time being bankrolled by a large corporation.



“A complete black hole of an album.”



You may consider it semantics but I’d like to draw your attention to the fact that you are not reviewing an album. It is a five track EP. I’d like to think that even you, as a seemingly avid hater of our music, would find a tiny scrap of something that you liked if confronted with an album’s worth of material. Even if it was just one guitar riff or one snatch of a vocal melody - there are very few albums in the world that are completely devoid of merit in some way or another. Your constant reference to this release as an album gives the impression that we have churned out an hour of unrelenting shit.



“I genuinely can't think of a good thing to say about Shadow Boxing other than the CD will double as a nice coaster next time I have a cup of tea. Or a frisbee if I happen to be feeling slightly more energetic.”



I’ll let you off with the fact that you have come up with the most unoriginal alternative uses for a CD ever. I’ll even leave aside the fact that it would make a terrible frisbee. However, I will make you the following offer: If you give me your address I will post you a coaster, a frisbee and a stamped addressed envelope for you to send us our CD back. Everybody’s happy.



“The problem is I can't even work up some decent vitriol towards the album or the band. It doesn't even stand out as an example of such atrocious quality that everyone should listen just to ridicule it.”



It sounds to me as though you secretly like it really.



“Shadow Boxing is out now on Lockjaw Records”



Congratulations. Possibly more by luck than judgement, you seem to have hit upon a cold, hard, fact.





In closing, I would like to state that this is not any kind of personal attack (as I’m sure that your review was not a slight on the characters of the individuals that made the recording). I do think that perhaps your piece could have benefited from being a tad more descriptive in terms of the music that you were analysing. If you insist upon slating records without actually telling the reading public anything about them you may as well just post a list of things that you like and things that you don’t on your site. While the internet is a wonderful tool that gives many people the opportunity to express views that would in previous years merely have been spouted to a handful of friends in the pub, it has presented the opportunity for anybody with a website and an opinion to become a ‘music journalist’. Sadly, even though you can, sometimes, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you should.



All the best,



Gareth Jones (on behalf of No Remote)

[endless psych]

I think we should all have a go at reviewing this to see who can get the most obnoxious critique of their reviewing style from the band themselves.

[karbon14]

was your 'review' actually the 5 lines long that he's quoted?

[Shannow]

Hahahahaha, awesome

Bands that can't take criticism are great.

[Rhythm Junkie]

Originally Posted by karbon14

was your 'review' actually the 5 lines long that he's quoted?

http://www.altnation.com/forums/rock...ow-boxing.html

^^^full review. I suspect the lines he quotes are just his least favourite.

Fair play it is a short review but I really didn't like this album at all. I did provide all the relevant info at the bottom should anyone choose to look them up subsequently AND I never claimed to be a 'music journalist'.

Originally Posted by Shannow

Hahahahaha, awesome

Bands that can't take criticism are great.

I actually feel a little shit about it

Originally Posted by endless psych

I think we should all have a go at reviewing this to see who can get the most obnoxious critique of their reviewing style from the band themselves.

although I do like this idea

[Shannow]

Originally Posted by Rhythm Junkie

http://www.altnation.com/forums/rock...ow-boxing.html

^^^full review. I suspect the lines he quotes are just his least favourite.

Fair play it is a short review but I really didn't like this album at all. I did provide all the relevant info at the bottom should anyone choose to look them up subsequently AND I never claimed to be a 'music journalist'.



I actually feel a little shit about it



although I do like this idea

Don't. Really.

Bask in the knowledge that you have managed to rile someone up enough to respond in such an amusing way. Expect them t respond to this thread also in an equally aloof manner and make themselves look sillier in the process, if the rest of his band members aren;t already beating hma bout the head for being an utter plum.

[karbon14]

Originally Posted by Shannow

Don't. Really.

Bask in the knowledge that you have managed to rile someone up enough to respond in such an amusing way. Expect them t respond to this thread also in an equally aloof manner and make themselves look sillier in the process, if the rest of his band members aren;t already beating hma bout the head for being an utter plum.

he's the bald drummer, he blatantly gets beat about as it is.



*edit*

fuck me they're drivel. sounds like music by numbers.

[Potatojunkie]

I actually thought "here, maybe this guy's got a point". Then I remembered this. And this. And about a dozen other reviews of abject trash.

[Rhythm Junkie]

If anyone else would like the CD to conduct their own review, pm me with you address and I'll pass it on

[endless psych]

Holy vanishing post.

I thought the "No remote are not the most radical thing to come out of Rugby since Web Ellis cheated at football..." was at least worthy of not being lost in the AN void...