A Story I'm writing

[Tam Ra Mad Kunt]

I thought i's post the prologue on here and see what epople think of it...if you like it..and want to know the rest of the story then leave your e-mail address and i'll mail the following chapters piece by piece as theyr written

Prologue

I grabbed my gun then took one last breath before kicking open the old, rotten door. As the door swung open I caught sight of the wall in front of me, it was almost covered in dirty stains like someone had just thrown bits of food across it. There were paintings on the walls too, but not the expensive kind you would see in a large hotel or something, these were cheap, either done by some unknown artist or copies of famous art, In this area of town you didn’t see expensive property very often unless it was stolen and being stored for a while until the police were no longer looking for it.
As I turned the corner into the main belly of the room he was sitting at the desk. The man I was looking for, he had a smug look in his eyes, as if to say, “I have you now.”
I took no notice of the old worn man, I say old but I suppose he was only about 40 at the most he just looked a lot older, In this part of town in this day in age people seemed to age a lot quicker than they had in the years before. I took my gun and pointed it right at the scar on the right hand side of the man’s forehead. He just laughed and clicked his fingers before I knew it two men grabbed me one of them removed the gun from my hand as he did so. They were large men, probably ex-night club bouncers or something of the sort, big guys with arms about the width of my entire body. I knew it wasn’t really worth fighting so I just let them hold me. He rose from his desk and walked over to were we had been standing took my gun from one of his henchmen and pointed it right at me, “How the tables have turned now.” He said.
As I stared down the long black barrel of the gun I remembered how this had all started…

by Tam Jamieson

[Jenpot]

This is constructive critism...and *not* a dig.

I think you need to be less obvious, a really good trick when writing a story is to try and avoid the obvious, and maybe make it a little more descriptive, use figurative language etc.

It is interesting though, caught my attention, made me want to read more, which is obviously what you need a prologue to do.

[Rebus]

But what if the character is a guy who wouldn't use "figurative language"?
I think it reads fine

[Jenpot]

...twas only a suggestion.

[bigmentalross]

Originally posted by Tam Ra Mad Kunt
As I stared down the long black barrel of the gun I remembered how this had all started…

by Tam Jamieson

Take that line up, they used a line a lot like that at the beginning of Fight Club.

[Blob]

i like the idea jamieson but i think its hard to picture what the room is like or even the atmosphere at the time, i think if u used more imagery and stuff to make the reader feel as if they were in the same room it would be alot more gripping. but yeah it makes u want to read on, i like the way its just normal language as if your talking and not big fancy words all the time like some writers. top notch

[Tam Ra Mad Kunt]

cheers everybpody...umm....i'll take what everyeones said into consideration when i'm writing the next part

ill try and make it a lttle more atmospheric...and no jen i aint gonna use figurative language cos as stayly kindly pointed out...this characters isnt the sorta guy who would use that language..

for those who care heres the background on the cgaracter wihtout giving too much away

background : A well aducated man , abandoned by the system he had worked to create , fighting against time + the men who had turned theyr backs on him. He now struggles to survive in the dark underbelly of the city... living amidst the criminals, The people that the rich in the city had no idea even existed, the thieves, the rapists, the murderers...
The only way to survive in an area like this is to become one of them. To become evil...insane with vengeance and hatred for the system.

I think tahts enough...if i go any further then i'd probably be giving away some of the actual story line

...:::JamiesoN:::...

[Tam Ra Mad Kunt]

hi

to anyone who reads this thread. chapters 1 and 2 of this story are written

if you want to knpow wat happens next then leave your email address or pm me with your email addres if you dont want to put it on the forum and i'll send you the rest of the story

[aileen]

good story...two points:
missed out some punctuation (i.e big long winding sentences that need commas or full stops)
ur simile to describe the walls could hav been better (but if u used that one deliberately (i.e extended metaphors later on) then keep it )
whats it for?

[Tam Ra Mad Kunt]

it not for anything... i jsut felt like writing it for my own amusement... and whoever else may be amused by my strangly bazarre and vivid imagination

anyway

to the real point of this post

i have created a website

it is here trinitypark.cjb.net

as you may have guessed I ahve decided that the story is to be called "Trinity Park"

anyway if anyone is interested

leave your email address here or PM it to me...

if you wish to read the lareasdy written chapters they can be found at the website

and the forthcoming chapters will be mailed to those who want them

anyway thats all i ahve to say

c ya

...:::JamiesoN:::...